guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
