I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
