I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Acid is not a monday night drug
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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