So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize