Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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