Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
