Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
