How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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