Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Can you bring me the toilet please
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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