It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Randomize
