I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
