I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
porn star boner night. come get it.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
