Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
