worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Come see our sink grown plant.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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