She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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