Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
