I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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