I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
