Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
