You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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