Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
