While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize