Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
The air was thick with penises
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
