I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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