I think I won the penis lottery.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
So squirting runs in the family.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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