good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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