so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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