Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
