What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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