god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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