So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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