Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i wish my penis had a tongue
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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