Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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