My cat gives me a boner
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
