oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
