i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
