sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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