It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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