He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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