fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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