I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
