wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
