so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
