I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
