so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
