We named our party play list daddy issues
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
There r osticjed everywhere
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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