Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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