I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
