hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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