Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
