so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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