and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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