Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
