My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
