I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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