I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
