Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
3 2 1 whiskey
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
