be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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